Ever heard someone say you can't go back?

Living in Staunton was the happiest time in either of our lives. We were surrounded by friends and people who loved us dearly. We had jobs that we liked working with people we enjoyed, we had the best apartment that everyone always wanted to hang out at, we had our bar where our drinks were handed to us without having to even ask what we wanted, and we could walk down the street at any time and see people we knew. When we moved away we were desperately nostalgic and frequently drove three hours after dinner just for drinks at our favorite bar. Our vacations would simply be to get a room at the Microtel in Staunton for the weekend and just visit with people who were begging us to come back and complaining they didn't see us enough. So when things weren't going our way up north we moved back to our home. We were even lucky enough to move back to our same apartment. I got the same job that I loved working with the people I loved. Carol got a job at the place she loved to work as well. It seemed like we had picked up exactly where we left off and that year away just never existed.

But something strange happened when we moved away: everyone else moved on with their lives as well. Our drinking buddy who was with us every week down at the bar got engaged and bought a house and we haven't seen him in a year...before we even moved back. Carol's party friends are no more as well with one having moved to NYC and the other having a baby. But the main reason we moved back was for her nephew, Matt, an emotionally troubled teenager on the verge of living on his own who can barely cut his own meat. A boy who doesn't even realize or care that he has destroyed his aunt's relationship with the few friends she has had for twelve years because he wanted to throw a fit.

So now here we sit, coming to the end of our year lease on our dream apartment, part two, and everything that we came back here for, everything and everyone that we loved, has changed. Even our apartment has lost some of its glow with our dreadful downstairs neighbors. So what do we do? We can't afford to move back up north and as yet there is no reason to as I haven't been able to find a job up there either. We talked about moving to a place cheaper than our current apartment but Carol lovingly reminded me, "Nobody will rent to you if you don't have a job." Maybe she's right and maybe we are stuck here no matter how expensive it is until I find a job. Not that it is a terrible place to be stuck, but we have been wanting to disappear from 90% of the people in this area and moving would help that. We picture Jereme showing up to the apartment and knocking on the door and some man comes downstairs telling him he's lived here for months now. It amuses us. We had talked about moving away entirely...and it is still a thought, but all we have to do is drive outside on a sunny day and realize that we are still in love with this place and we still think of it as home. And if everything we came back for is gone, but we still can't imagine leaving, then there has to be something else here that is worth staying for. We just have to find it.

the world's about to change

Tomorrow is my last day of work at my job. I will officially be unemployed by the 18th, if I haven't gotten a job by then. I am hoping I will find a job by then but in the mean time I will at least be getting paid until the 18th. Today is a pivotal day, though, as all of our plans are relying on how today and tomorrow turn out. Winchester hasn't worked out for us adn we miss our home. So much in fact that Carol is already working in Staunton and staying with a friend there. We were actually able to get our old apartment back and we should be getting the lease in the mail today. In addition to the lease should be a loan to help us move and sort through loose ends, like our current lease.

We are going to try to make a deal with him but I am concerned that he is pretending to be a nice guy and in actuality is not quite so nice. Like how he promised to put our house back on the market so he could get someone to rent it and we would be able to get out of lease.....and yet over a week has passed and it is still not listed. Or how there is no security deposit for a place that is clearly falling apart. Most of the damage is dealing with the foundation and chipped paint, scratched floors, years of using the 20's wood molding to hang blinds on. But some of it is crayon on the walls that has been covered up in a different shade of white and grease and finger prints on the walls.

In general I am crossing my fingers that we will be able to get out of this lease with money to spare in our loan to pay all of our moving fees and be able to sponge off of it for a little bit in case it takes longer than anticipated to find a job. I have an interview with my old boss tomorrow. I am a little worried about it. Apparently everyone and their mother applied for the job as soon as word spread that they were going to need to be hiring soon and she had already unofficially guaranteed it to another girl. However then I applied for the job and I am technically the better choice because I dont' need to be trained on anything. But she is stubborn, especially when it comes to wanting to hire/promote her friends. But this job isn't the job I'm worried about. This is just a part time job to supplement my income from a full time job. That is the job I need to find as soon as possible.

It started out rather serendipitous. Carol got a job and then our apartment came open. We saw it as a sign to look a moving down. Then I ran into my old building manager who told me that our apartment was still open and they woudl love to have us back. My friend is telling me about a job that I am practically guaranteed for and my old job starts hiring. However things have begun to need a bit more work than previously anticipated. That job I was promised isn't necessarily hiring at the moment, though always looking, and I am competing with another girl for my old job. Our landlord doesn't want to let us out of the lease and in the mean time Carol has contracted odd infections from staying at her friend's house which required an emergency room visit and multiple rounds of antibiotics and fluids.

No matter what happens, we are moving...we just may be paying for mulitple places at once. We are looking at this as a year lost in time because we plan to pick up our lives just where we left them, in our cozy apartment, surrounded by friends, in our beautiful town that we love.

..they don't know my head is a mess....

So yesterday at work I had an anxiety attack. Unfortunately for me, because "i'm special" I had more concerns to worry about in this situation. Every time I breathed deeply it felt like I was going to have a seizure. Of course I called Carol, because she has several anxiety disorders she deals with, and she listed out for me all the reasons I had to be stressed...which didn't actually help. So to recap since I know no one else knows what is going on in my life:

When I came back from my surgery I was told I have 60 days to improve my revenue for the company by (a lot) or I no longer have a job. So I have been working my butt off on projects that are supposed to take off, but haven't yet.
Everyday that I come in I don't know what I am going to get. Some days I feel fairly secure that I will have a job at the end of September. Other days I don't know if they will even let me last out the 60 days. This is generally because while I am under pressure to make the company lots of money, everyone I work under is under pressure, which gets passed down person to person and usually lands on me in the form of mood swings. So while on Tuesday I am doing everything I am supposed to and I am doing it well and everything is good, on Wednesday everything I did on Tuesday was wrong and I am unable to do anything correctly.
Because my job is so up in the air I have no idea if I will have a job in October. Carol and I have mapped about at least four courses of action on what my future may look like in the next few months, none of which are secure. I have applied with job placement people and they are not returning my calls. I looked into working at one company but I cannot be guaranteed a job. I could also go back to Staunton and take a $10,000 + pay cut, or I could try to stay in Winchester. If I do stay at this job or get another job in northern virginia I will probably move back into my parent's home.
Carol moved out. Not in a scary we need some time apart, way, but in the Carol couldn't find a job anywhere but Staunton so that is why she is currently working, and staying while she works. So I come home to an empty house with cats that decidedly prefer Carol and actually avoid me when she is not around, unless its dinner time.

Basically all of my security has been pulled out from under me in less than a month and I still have medical bills covering the fridge, my parents asking when they are going to be repaid, and Carol needing money for gas and food while she is living down there. I am kind of in a bad position right now.

I asked for Friday off. I have been told...maybe....maybe if all of the business I have been working on since I got back still hasn't kicked off by today, then maybe I can have the day off. All I want to do is try to de-stress...but considering that everything in my life is up in the air, the only way that I can do that is by determining my future. I don't really want to stay here...but I also don't want to quit. I am actually hoping that they tell me they will be letting me go on October 2nd. That way I can get everything set up to get another job lined up and have movers set up and maybe even an apartment lined up if we can swing it. Generally I think I want to go back to Staunton to be with Carol.
Its interesting actually. The first day she was gone I thought we would be so much better at being apart the second time around because we are more secure in our relationship and less needy and clingy than we were the first time we had to be apart. Its actually the opposite. We have been together for so long now, everyday, we almost don't know how to be apart. Nothing quite feels right or safe being apart, especially knowing that it is going to continue this way for an indeterminate period of time. After Carol's first day of work she drove back to spend the night with me and left the following day to head back to work. We are going to spend all the money she is making just on gas to see each other.

We have no money saved and a lot of bills and expenses to pay....we can't just up and change our lives again right now. But I may not have a choice. I just feel frustrated, stressed, lost, and scared.

Bob the Blob

On the fourth of July I went to the emergency room. I now know what a level 10 pain is...my blood pressure dropped below 80 (as the large number), I was ghostly white, shaking, hyperventalating, and vomiting from the pain. We were very clear with the doctor that we believe it was a cyst on my ovary because every doctor I had previously seen said, "it sounds like a cyst, you'll be fine," handed me some pain medicine and sent me on my way. Luckily the doctor at Winchester Medical decided to confirm that diagnosis and sent me in for a CAT scan. After the second round of pain killers kicked in and the fourth episode of the Twilight Zone marathon the doctor came back in and told me that at least we know it wasn't all in my head. He proceeded to show me my CAT scan (which despite my requests I was unable to receive and post). I had a mass the size of a football in my abdomen. It had actually pushed my organs out of the way to make room for itself. He called in a specialist who agreed that I needed to have emergency surgery that day but that I had to be sent to UVA in case it was cancer.

I got sent to UVA in an ambulance and Carol followed me. My family arrived next day in time for the surgery which had been delayed. I was actually pretty surprised when I woke up that my parents, sister, and brother were there. Carol stayed the night in the hospital with me. Day after the surgery I was sent home.

The scar goes from just below my belly button to just above my pubic bone. I looked like my cats after they were fixed. I was given a 4 week recovery and have now returned to work.

But I have to say...best thing that could have happened. Carol and I got to spend a month at home together, there were a bunch of people coming to visit. Carol had a completely unawkward dinner alone with my parents while I was in the hospital and Carol and I went over to my sister's house for dinner one evening. We even got our old drinking buddy that we haven't seen since the wedding to come over last weekend.

Turns out they believe Bob the Blob was an infection in my fallopian tube that cause a bunch of fluid to form around it and cysts began to grow on the blob. Personally what I find to be the coolest/most disturbing part is they told me the blob had wrapped around my fallopian tube twice, so they had to remove it. Last winter I had a lump poking out of my abdomen a good inch above the rest of my stomach. I think that was the second time the blob wrapped around my fallopian tube. How cool is that? I think it is anyway.

Now Bob the Blob is gone. My cramps have all but disappeared. My period is much less painful. And I have a cool new scar. At least that is what I am going to keep telling myself. I am also going to stop showing it to people because even when they ask to see it they get a horrified and disgusted look on their face which makes me feel so good about myself.

"I just wanna sit in this storm with you."

So while I know I'm not a social person and I tend to be kind of a no-show, I am actually feeling like secluding myself more lately.

First of all I have decided that I am simply not meant for the world of cell phones. I generally dislike mine, despite my efforts to get a cool one. I just don't like to be reached. I long for the days when people just had answering machines at their homes, if you were lucky enough to have an answering machine, and if you didn't answer that meant you were out or busy. No one is allowed to be out or busy. You are allowed to be at work, and you are allowed to be asleep, but even asleep you should be sleeping with your phone near you in case of emergencies. I have recently started that habit only because my phone is my alarm clock (one of the only handy dandy features I actually use besides the phone book) and luckily I have yet to have anyone call me while I tried to sleep.
I even went so far as to get a home phone so that I wouldn't have to carry my cell around the house with me so I can hear it. Unfortunately I never made the effort to give out that number so we only have crap callers call that phone, or Carol when she's out of town. In general I don't like to answer my phone and only answer when Carol calls. Otherwise I just listen for voicemails, which since everyone is fairly aware that I never answer my phone, those phone calls are few and far between. Except for my family.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love spending time with them, but I almost never answer their calls. Generally the calls are FYI: you owe me money, don't forget so and so's birthday, are you coming to the (various events)?, and I hope you are alright, we miss you. Not all together bad calls..except for the owing money one. But its what happens when I actually show up for these events. It usually consists of an in person FYI about money, followed by a question of how we're doing financially. If Carol is there she gets questioned about whether she has found a job yet, and how classes are going. If she is not there, those questions are directed at me. How is working going? And here is the honest answer to all of these questions: we're falling on our faces. Life is kind of sucking. We are living in a daily ebb and flow of fighting, crying, and clinging which is emotionally draining as it has been going on for over a month now. We are exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, and generally depressed. But we're trying to make it through together.

And while there is something to be said for leaning on your friends and family when things get hard, its not really how we function. What we do is probably intensely unhealthy but its the only thing that works for us. We fall apart into each other and hold on tight. We wait for the answers to come. In fact leaning on other people is generally how we have gotten into every major fight in our history together. As you may have noticed Carol is an intensely private person and the mere thought of other people knowing that everything in our life is anything but perfect is extremely upsetting for her.

I don't know how long this separation from the digital/cellular world may last, but I'll be in Winchester until it all blows over...or somewhere else if we end up moving. But I still have my cell if I need to be reached and I will still check my online doo-hickeys. Of course, as usual, don't expect any speedy responses as time seems to be simultaneously speeding past and as slow as a snail...or those huge slugs I recently discovered by house....which helped me realize that slugs freak me out. Who knew.

Oh I don't know what you gonna do, with me,
Because everything I hid in my heart, I just set free,
And I don't wanna skate away- (don't think so anyway),
I just want to sit in this storm with you.
I just want to sit in this storm with you.

Well I've been runnin' runnin' runnin' to fast, for too long.
But you stop, stop me right in my tracks, 'cause I was wrong
Keepin my foot out the door, doesn't work for me anymore,
I just wanna sit in this storm with you.

And when it's pourin' for days, pourin' for nights,
Smearin' all the words alright.
I won't leave you babe, I am with you babe,
We have a deal, yes we do.
I'm gonna soak you up and let it all in, one day,
I'm gonna shoot down all of the stars, I wish away,
'Cause I can love you from the sunshine blue,
To the clouds greyer hue,
Just wanna to sit in this storm with you,
I just wanna to sit, in this storm, with you.
*Adrianne--Storm*

You know you want more updates on my work life!

So silver linings...dashed. I finally got in contact with the driver's dispatch who said he did not send another driver to pick up and that he was sending the driver who was out there delivering home and he would not be making another run for us.

I spoke with the lovely Alberta and she said she had no knowledge of the situation and I could make a claim for the detention time with someone else.

I attempted to fill my promise and I found a lot of people who were willing to move on Friday but were unable to move Thursday. I was, however lucky enough to get one driver to move on Thursday, who also wanted to move on Friday. I called Alberta and she said she was full, she did not need any drivers for Friday and if she wanted drivers for Friday she would call on Friday. She told me to bring whatever drivers I had already said to bring but that was it.

So I send out my driver who arrives at noon....that is the last I hear until I get in in the morning.

I come in and have another voicemail...another wonderful voicemail telling me that it is 3:30 their time and they were just told that they are cutting it off for the day and for everyone to come back the next morning at 6:30. So that is what my driver does today.

I called and he was 20th in line and was told they won't be loading until 7. I get a call at 9 their time from dispatch saying that she is pulling her driver from the load because they havent moved an inch in 2 hours.

I called Alberta. I spoke with a sweet young lady named Sarah, explained the situation, and she asked if I wanted to speak with Alberta. I said sure. Next thing I know I am listening to a pathetic little voice saying, "This is Alberta. I am out sick today...." Thats when I hung up...with mild laughter.

So now I am speaking with my trucking advisors in regards to what I should be expecting on this. Is she gonna expect wait time for having a truck sitting around for this load practically 24 hours? Or because she pulled the load before 4 hours of consistent wait time is she just expecting to be out the money?

I have a feeling I can't get written up in this situation. Basically Alberta threatened a whole bunch of carriers to get as many trucks out as possible but I get the impression she never had any records of who was moving what and when. I can only imagine the amount of money they will be wasting on unused trucks ( ours is $500 per). Sigh. I had such good rates for these loads, but the one truck I am moving, while it was quoted at less than $300, due to the detention time, that one truck is coming in at just under $2,000.

Work Vent Update

So. I still have not heard back from anyone I was trying to talk to. But I called my driver. At 6:30a their time this morning, he answered the phone and I asked him what happened yesterday. He asked if he could call me back because he was trying to get into the Port. ..... ..... Into the port???? You mean the port you were supposed to deliver to last night? Yes...yes that port.

So he calls me back and tells me what happened...which had very little to do with a booking code. He arrived on time at 2:00 and was loaded....then he was unloaded....then he was reloaded. At 5:00 he was still waiting for his paperwork to be complete. Guess when the port closes...anyone? anyone? yes. 5:00. So the woman working on the paperwork looks at the clock and says to him, "you're not gonna make it, are you?" No. So he leaves Fort Lewis at 5:15 and does not arrive at the port until 5:45. And in all technicality, they stop letting people unload at 4:30.

Silver lining...maybe? Well there is this wonderful little clause built into our contracts called detention time. Now for us, in the contract we made with the government, we charge $150/hour, 2 horus free. But according to the trucking system they wait 4 hours and we give them $75. So for his evening sleeping outside the port he will be receiving $675 and we will be getting in $975. In theory if we don't ahve to battle with them over it.

Another silver lining? Maybe. He told me there was already another one of their drivers loading at 6:30 and that he wanted to go back and do at least one more load. Yahoo I get to live up to what I told them.

But we'll see how well this goes by the end of the day.