So yesterday at work I had an anxiety attack. Unfortunately for me, because "i'm special" I had more concerns to worry about in this situation. Every time I breathed deeply it felt like I was going to have a seizure. Of course I called Carol, because she has several anxiety disorders she deals with, and she listed out for me all the reasons I had to be stressed...which didn't actually help. So to recap since I know no one else knows what is going on in my life:
When I came back from my surgery I was told I have 60 days to improve my revenue for the company by (a lot) or I no longer have a job. So I have been working my butt off on projects that are supposed to take off, but haven't yet.
Everyday that I come in I don't know what I am going to get. Some days I feel fairly secure that I will have a job at the end of September. Other days I don't know if they will even let me last out the 60 days. This is generally because while I am under pressure to make the company lots of money, everyone I work under is under pressure, which gets passed down person to person and usually lands on me in the form of mood swings. So while on Tuesday I am doing everything I am supposed to and I am doing it well and everything is good, on Wednesday everything I did on Tuesday was wrong and I am unable to do anything correctly.
Because my job is so up in the air I have no idea if I will have a job in October. Carol and I have mapped about at least four courses of action on what my future may look like in the next few months, none of which are secure. I have applied with job placement people and they are not returning my calls. I looked into working at one company but I cannot be guaranteed a job. I could also go back to Staunton and take a $10,000 + pay cut, or I could try to stay in Winchester. If I do stay at this job or get another job in northern virginia I will probably move back into my parent's home.
Carol moved out. Not in a scary we need some time apart, way, but in the Carol couldn't find a job anywhere but Staunton so that is why she is currently working, and staying while she works. So I come home to an empty house with cats that decidedly prefer Carol and actually avoid me when she is not around, unless its dinner time.
Basically all of my security has been pulled out from under me in less than a month and I still have medical bills covering the fridge, my parents asking when they are going to be repaid, and Carol needing money for gas and food while she is living down there. I am kind of in a bad position right now.
I asked for Friday off. I have been told...maybe....maybe if all of the business I have been working on since I got back still hasn't kicked off by today, then maybe I can have the day off. All I want to do is try to de-stress...but considering that everything in my life is up in the air, the only way that I can do that is by determining my future. I don't really want to stay here...but I also don't want to quit. I am actually hoping that they tell me they will be letting me go on October 2nd. That way I can get everything set up to get another job lined up and have movers set up and maybe even an apartment lined up if we can swing it. Generally I think I want to go back to Staunton to be with Carol.
Its interesting actually. The first day she was gone I thought we would be so much better at being apart the second time around because we are more secure in our relationship and less needy and clingy than we were the first time we had to be apart. Its actually the opposite. We have been together for so long now, everyday, we almost don't know how to be apart. Nothing quite feels right or safe being apart, especially knowing that it is going to continue this way for an indeterminate period of time. After Carol's first day of work she drove back to spend the night with me and left the following day to head back to work. We are going to spend all the money she is making just on gas to see each other.
We have no money saved and a lot of bills and expenses to pay....we can't just up and change our lives again right now. But I may not have a choice. I just feel frustrated, stressed, lost, and scared.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Bob the Blob
On the fourth of July I went to the emergency room. I now know what a level 10 pain is...my blood pressure dropped below 80 (as the large number), I was ghostly white, shaking, hyperventalating, and vomiting from the pain. We were very clear with the doctor that we believe it was a cyst on my ovary because every doctor I had previously seen said, "it sounds like a cyst, you'll be fine," handed me some pain medicine and sent me on my way. Luckily the doctor at Winchester Medical decided to confirm that diagnosis and sent me in for a CAT scan. After the second round of pain killers kicked in and the fourth episode of the Twilight Zone marathon the doctor came back in and told me that at least we know it wasn't all in my head. He proceeded to show me my CAT scan (which despite my requests I was unable to receive and post). I had a mass the size of a football in my abdomen. It had actually pushed my organs out of the way to make room for itself. He called in a specialist who agreed that I needed to have emergency surgery that day but that I had to be sent to UVA in case it was cancer.
I got sent to UVA in an ambulance and Carol followed me. My family arrived next day in time for the surgery which had been delayed. I was actually pretty surprised when I woke up that my parents, sister, and brother were there. Carol stayed the night in the hospital with me. Day after the surgery I was sent home.
The scar goes from just below my belly button to just above my pubic bone. I looked like my cats after they were fixed. I was given a 4 week recovery and have now returned to work.
But I have to say...best thing that could have happened. Carol and I got to spend a month at home together, there were a bunch of people coming to visit. Carol had a completely unawkward dinner alone with my parents while I was in the hospital and Carol and I went over to my sister's house for dinner one evening. We even got our old drinking buddy that we haven't seen since the wedding to come over last weekend.
Turns out they believe Bob the Blob was an infection in my fallopian tube that cause a bunch of fluid to form around it and cysts began to grow on the blob. Personally what I find to be the coolest/most disturbing part is they told me the blob had wrapped around my fallopian tube twice, so they had to remove it. Last winter I had a lump poking out of my abdomen a good inch above the rest of my stomach. I think that was the second time the blob wrapped around my fallopian tube. How cool is that? I think it is anyway.
Now Bob the Blob is gone. My cramps have all but disappeared. My period is much less painful. And I have a cool new scar. At least that is what I am going to keep telling myself. I am also going to stop showing it to people because even when they ask to see it they get a horrified and disgusted look on their face which makes me feel so good about myself.
I got sent to UVA in an ambulance and Carol followed me. My family arrived next day in time for the surgery which had been delayed. I was actually pretty surprised when I woke up that my parents, sister, and brother were there. Carol stayed the night in the hospital with me. Day after the surgery I was sent home.
The scar goes from just below my belly button to just above my pubic bone. I looked like my cats after they were fixed. I was given a 4 week recovery and have now returned to work.
But I have to say...best thing that could have happened. Carol and I got to spend a month at home together, there were a bunch of people coming to visit. Carol had a completely unawkward dinner alone with my parents while I was in the hospital and Carol and I went over to my sister's house for dinner one evening. We even got our old drinking buddy that we haven't seen since the wedding to come over last weekend.
Turns out they believe Bob the Blob was an infection in my fallopian tube that cause a bunch of fluid to form around it and cysts began to grow on the blob. Personally what I find to be the coolest/most disturbing part is they told me the blob had wrapped around my fallopian tube twice, so they had to remove it. Last winter I had a lump poking out of my abdomen a good inch above the rest of my stomach. I think that was the second time the blob wrapped around my fallopian tube. How cool is that? I think it is anyway.
Now Bob the Blob is gone. My cramps have all but disappeared. My period is much less painful. And I have a cool new scar. At least that is what I am going to keep telling myself. I am also going to stop showing it to people because even when they ask to see it they get a horrified and disgusted look on their face which makes me feel so good about myself.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
"I just wanna sit in this storm with you."
So while I know I'm not a social person and I tend to be kind of a no-show, I am actually feeling like secluding myself more lately.
First of all I have decided that I am simply not meant for the world of cell phones. I generally dislike mine, despite my efforts to get a cool one. I just don't like to be reached. I long for the days when people just had answering machines at their homes, if you were lucky enough to have an answering machine, and if you didn't answer that meant you were out or busy. No one is allowed to be out or busy. You are allowed to be at work, and you are allowed to be asleep, but even asleep you should be sleeping with your phone near you in case of emergencies. I have recently started that habit only because my phone is my alarm clock (one of the only handy dandy features I actually use besides the phone book) and luckily I have yet to have anyone call me while I tried to sleep.
I even went so far as to get a home phone so that I wouldn't have to carry my cell around the house with me so I can hear it. Unfortunately I never made the effort to give out that number so we only have crap callers call that phone, or Carol when she's out of town. In general I don't like to answer my phone and only answer when Carol calls. Otherwise I just listen for voicemails, which since everyone is fairly aware that I never answer my phone, those phone calls are few and far between. Except for my family.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love spending time with them, but I almost never answer their calls. Generally the calls are FYI: you owe me money, don't forget so and so's birthday, are you coming to the (various events)?, and I hope you are alright, we miss you. Not all together bad calls..except for the owing money one. But its what happens when I actually show up for these events. It usually consists of an in person FYI about money, followed by a question of how we're doing financially. If Carol is there she gets questioned about whether she has found a job yet, and how classes are going. If she is not there, those questions are directed at me. How is working going? And here is the honest answer to all of these questions: we're falling on our faces. Life is kind of sucking. We are living in a daily ebb and flow of fighting, crying, and clinging which is emotionally draining as it has been going on for over a month now. We are exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, and generally depressed. But we're trying to make it through together.
And while there is something to be said for leaning on your friends and family when things get hard, its not really how we function. What we do is probably intensely unhealthy but its the only thing that works for us. We fall apart into each other and hold on tight. We wait for the answers to come. In fact leaning on other people is generally how we have gotten into every major fight in our history together. As you may have noticed Carol is an intensely private person and the mere thought of other people knowing that everything in our life is anything but perfect is extremely upsetting for her.
I don't know how long this separation from the digital/cellular world may last, but I'll be in Winchester until it all blows over...or somewhere else if we end up moving. But I still have my cell if I need to be reached and I will still check my online doo-hickeys. Of course, as usual, don't expect any speedy responses as time seems to be simultaneously speeding past and as slow as a snail...or those huge slugs I recently discovered by house....which helped me realize that slugs freak me out. Who knew.
Oh I don't know what you gonna do, with me,
Because everything I hid in my heart, I just set free,
And I don't wanna skate away- (don't think so anyway),
I just want to sit in this storm with you.
I just want to sit in this storm with you.
Well I've been runnin' runnin' runnin' to fast, for too long.
But you stop, stop me right in my tracks, 'cause I was wrong
Keepin my foot out the door, doesn't work for me anymore,
I just wanna sit in this storm with you.
And when it's pourin' for days, pourin' for nights,
Smearin' all the words alright.
I won't leave you babe, I am with you babe,
We have a deal, yes we do.
I'm gonna soak you up and let it all in, one day,
I'm gonna shoot down all of the stars, I wish away,
'Cause I can love you from the sunshine blue,
To the clouds greyer hue,
Just wanna to sit in this storm with you,
I just wanna to sit, in this storm, with you.
*Adrianne--Storm*
First of all I have decided that I am simply not meant for the world of cell phones. I generally dislike mine, despite my efforts to get a cool one. I just don't like to be reached. I long for the days when people just had answering machines at their homes, if you were lucky enough to have an answering machine, and if you didn't answer that meant you were out or busy. No one is allowed to be out or busy. You are allowed to be at work, and you are allowed to be asleep, but even asleep you should be sleeping with your phone near you in case of emergencies. I have recently started that habit only because my phone is my alarm clock (one of the only handy dandy features I actually use besides the phone book) and luckily I have yet to have anyone call me while I tried to sleep.
I even went so far as to get a home phone so that I wouldn't have to carry my cell around the house with me so I can hear it. Unfortunately I never made the effort to give out that number so we only have crap callers call that phone, or Carol when she's out of town. In general I don't like to answer my phone and only answer when Carol calls. Otherwise I just listen for voicemails, which since everyone is fairly aware that I never answer my phone, those phone calls are few and far between. Except for my family.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love spending time with them, but I almost never answer their calls. Generally the calls are FYI: you owe me money, don't forget so and so's birthday, are you coming to the (various events)?, and I hope you are alright, we miss you. Not all together bad calls..except for the owing money one. But its what happens when I actually show up for these events. It usually consists of an in person FYI about money, followed by a question of how we're doing financially. If Carol is there she gets questioned about whether she has found a job yet, and how classes are going. If she is not there, those questions are directed at me. How is working going? And here is the honest answer to all of these questions: we're falling on our faces. Life is kind of sucking. We are living in a daily ebb and flow of fighting, crying, and clinging which is emotionally draining as it has been going on for over a month now. We are exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, and generally depressed. But we're trying to make it through together.
And while there is something to be said for leaning on your friends and family when things get hard, its not really how we function. What we do is probably intensely unhealthy but its the only thing that works for us. We fall apart into each other and hold on tight. We wait for the answers to come. In fact leaning on other people is generally how we have gotten into every major fight in our history together. As you may have noticed Carol is an intensely private person and the mere thought of other people knowing that everything in our life is anything but perfect is extremely upsetting for her.
I don't know how long this separation from the digital/cellular world may last, but I'll be in Winchester until it all blows over...or somewhere else if we end up moving. But I still have my cell if I need to be reached and I will still check my online doo-hickeys. Of course, as usual, don't expect any speedy responses as time seems to be simultaneously speeding past and as slow as a snail...or those huge slugs I recently discovered by house....which helped me realize that slugs freak me out. Who knew.
Oh I don't know what you gonna do, with me,
Because everything I hid in my heart, I just set free,
And I don't wanna skate away- (don't think so anyway),
I just want to sit in this storm with you.
I just want to sit in this storm with you.
Well I've been runnin' runnin' runnin' to fast, for too long.
But you stop, stop me right in my tracks, 'cause I was wrong
Keepin my foot out the door, doesn't work for me anymore,
I just wanna sit in this storm with you.
And when it's pourin' for days, pourin' for nights,
Smearin' all the words alright.
I won't leave you babe, I am with you babe,
We have a deal, yes we do.
I'm gonna soak you up and let it all in, one day,
I'm gonna shoot down all of the stars, I wish away,
'Cause I can love you from the sunshine blue,
To the clouds greyer hue,
Just wanna to sit in this storm with you,
I just wanna to sit, in this storm, with you.
*Adrianne--Storm*
Friday, June 26, 2009
You know you want more updates on my work life!
So silver linings...dashed. I finally got in contact with the driver's dispatch who said he did not send another driver to pick up and that he was sending the driver who was out there delivering home and he would not be making another run for us.
I spoke with the lovely Alberta and she said she had no knowledge of the situation and I could make a claim for the detention time with someone else.
I attempted to fill my promise and I found a lot of people who were willing to move on Friday but were unable to move Thursday. I was, however lucky enough to get one driver to move on Thursday, who also wanted to move on Friday. I called Alberta and she said she was full, she did not need any drivers for Friday and if she wanted drivers for Friday she would call on Friday. She told me to bring whatever drivers I had already said to bring but that was it.
So I send out my driver who arrives at noon....that is the last I hear until I get in in the morning.
I come in and have another voicemail...another wonderful voicemail telling me that it is 3:30 their time and they were just told that they are cutting it off for the day and for everyone to come back the next morning at 6:30. So that is what my driver does today.
I called and he was 20th in line and was told they won't be loading until 7. I get a call at 9 their time from dispatch saying that she is pulling her driver from the load because they havent moved an inch in 2 hours.
I called Alberta. I spoke with a sweet young lady named Sarah, explained the situation, and she asked if I wanted to speak with Alberta. I said sure. Next thing I know I am listening to a pathetic little voice saying, "This is Alberta. I am out sick today...." Thats when I hung up...with mild laughter.
So now I am speaking with my trucking advisors in regards to what I should be expecting on this. Is she gonna expect wait time for having a truck sitting around for this load practically 24 hours? Or because she pulled the load before 4 hours of consistent wait time is she just expecting to be out the money?
I have a feeling I can't get written up in this situation. Basically Alberta threatened a whole bunch of carriers to get as many trucks out as possible but I get the impression she never had any records of who was moving what and when. I can only imagine the amount of money they will be wasting on unused trucks ( ours is $500 per). Sigh. I had such good rates for these loads, but the one truck I am moving, while it was quoted at less than $300, due to the detention time, that one truck is coming in at just under $2,000.
I spoke with the lovely Alberta and she said she had no knowledge of the situation and I could make a claim for the detention time with someone else.
I attempted to fill my promise and I found a lot of people who were willing to move on Friday but were unable to move Thursday. I was, however lucky enough to get one driver to move on Thursday, who also wanted to move on Friday. I called Alberta and she said she was full, she did not need any drivers for Friday and if she wanted drivers for Friday she would call on Friday. She told me to bring whatever drivers I had already said to bring but that was it.
So I send out my driver who arrives at noon....that is the last I hear until I get in in the morning.
I come in and have another voicemail...another wonderful voicemail telling me that it is 3:30 their time and they were just told that they are cutting it off for the day and for everyone to come back the next morning at 6:30. So that is what my driver does today.
I called and he was 20th in line and was told they won't be loading until 7. I get a call at 9 their time from dispatch saying that she is pulling her driver from the load because they havent moved an inch in 2 hours.
I called Alberta. I spoke with a sweet young lady named Sarah, explained the situation, and she asked if I wanted to speak with Alberta. I said sure. Next thing I know I am listening to a pathetic little voice saying, "This is Alberta. I am out sick today...." Thats when I hung up...with mild laughter.
So now I am speaking with my trucking advisors in regards to what I should be expecting on this. Is she gonna expect wait time for having a truck sitting around for this load practically 24 hours? Or because she pulled the load before 4 hours of consistent wait time is she just expecting to be out the money?
I have a feeling I can't get written up in this situation. Basically Alberta threatened a whole bunch of carriers to get as many trucks out as possible but I get the impression she never had any records of who was moving what and when. I can only imagine the amount of money they will be wasting on unused trucks ( ours is $500 per). Sigh. I had such good rates for these loads, but the one truck I am moving, while it was quoted at less than $300, due to the detention time, that one truck is coming in at just under $2,000.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Work Vent Update
So. I still have not heard back from anyone I was trying to talk to. But I called my driver. At 6:30a their time this morning, he answered the phone and I asked him what happened yesterday. He asked if he could call me back because he was trying to get into the Port. ..... ..... Into the port???? You mean the port you were supposed to deliver to last night? Yes...yes that port.
So he calls me back and tells me what happened...which had very little to do with a booking code. He arrived on time at 2:00 and was loaded....then he was unloaded....then he was reloaded. At 5:00 he was still waiting for his paperwork to be complete. Guess when the port closes...anyone? anyone? yes. 5:00. So the woman working on the paperwork looks at the clock and says to him, "you're not gonna make it, are you?" No. So he leaves Fort Lewis at 5:15 and does not arrive at the port until 5:45. And in all technicality, they stop letting people unload at 4:30.
Silver lining...maybe? Well there is this wonderful little clause built into our contracts called detention time. Now for us, in the contract we made with the government, we charge $150/hour, 2 horus free. But according to the trucking system they wait 4 hours and we give them $75. So for his evening sleeping outside the port he will be receiving $675 and we will be getting in $975. In theory if we don't ahve to battle with them over it.
Another silver lining? Maybe. He told me there was already another one of their drivers loading at 6:30 and that he wanted to go back and do at least one more load. Yahoo I get to live up to what I told them.
But we'll see how well this goes by the end of the day.
So he calls me back and tells me what happened...which had very little to do with a booking code. He arrived on time at 2:00 and was loaded....then he was unloaded....then he was reloaded. At 5:00 he was still waiting for his paperwork to be complete. Guess when the port closes...anyone? anyone? yes. 5:00. So the woman working on the paperwork looks at the clock and says to him, "you're not gonna make it, are you?" No. So he leaves Fort Lewis at 5:15 and does not arrive at the port until 5:45. And in all technicality, they stop letting people unload at 4:30.
Silver lining...maybe? Well there is this wonderful little clause built into our contracts called detention time. Now for us, in the contract we made with the government, we charge $150/hour, 2 horus free. But according to the trucking system they wait 4 hours and we give them $75. So for his evening sleeping outside the port he will be receiving $675 and we will be getting in $975. In theory if we don't ahve to battle with them over it.
Another silver lining? Maybe. He told me there was already another one of their drivers loading at 6:30 and that he wanted to go back and do at least one more load. Yahoo I get to live up to what I told them.
But we'll see how well this goes by the end of the day.
Work Vent
Okay so this story starts with Monday. On Monday I get a call for loads going from Fort Lewis, WA to Tacoma, WA---12 miles. Easy. So the lovely woman at Fort Lewis, Alberta, she's a wretched bitter woman. I told her I may be able to get her three truck out of the five. She says, "maybe? Don't say maybe because if you say maybe and you don't follow through then I am going to write you up and you won't be able to move any more shipments for 90 days." "Okay.....well let me call my drivers to double check, call me back in ten minutes." So I scramble...everyone is a maybe, "give me a couple minutes and I'll get back to you." I finally get one guy as a definate who can only move one truck. She never calls back. Great.
So Yesterday she calls again, and I had called my drivers on Tuesday and asked if they would have any trucks available to move and they said probably 3 on Wednesday. So she calls while I am out and I had my phones forwarded to my boss's cell phone. He answers and immediately understands how charming she is. I write down her phone number, tell her I can get her three but I will have to double check with my drivers. So we finally get back to the office and I call my drivers and they can't move it. So I call her back and ask what time she wants to load and she says no later than 3:00. So I post the load on the trucking system and after 20 minutes I get a call for one guy to move his one truck, not three...just the one. But I get him set up, I call Alberta and tell her that I've got a guy who will probably load around 1:30/2. I get the address for delivery and I get back to my guys. Well 2 is really 5, and I am out by 4:30. I also did not have my cell phone with me to forward my phones...so I was just crossing my fingers that I would get back to work with messages saying when they delivered.
Today I come in...and I have messages. The first one is a hang up...the second is my driver saying that it is now 5:30 their time and they are at the delivery point and they can't get in. They are being told they need a booking code. Now when I spoke to lovely Alberta, she told me they don't need anything, they are good to go, she was going to put them down for moving that load, and all they needed to do was get to the Port and everyone will tell them what to do and where to go from there. The pick up with get them all set with what they need and addresses to deliver. Well.....I have no idea what is going on now...because it is 6am their time now and no one is picking up their phones. I have no idea whether they were even able to deliver. And Alberta wanted me to pick up two more loads at 6:30....but she won't answer her phone. Unfortunately this company were the ones willing to pick up the other two loads...if they didn't get screwed with having to wait for pick up or delivery...which they did. So I am truck less and I don't know what this means.
I really don't want to get written up for her issue becuase she never provided any further information to give to my drivers and they didn't want to move. I also never promised to move the other two loads for the next day but she will probably hold that against me anyway. Sigh. I'm going to try to fix this major fuck up now.
So Yesterday she calls again, and I had called my drivers on Tuesday and asked if they would have any trucks available to move and they said probably 3 on Wednesday. So she calls while I am out and I had my phones forwarded to my boss's cell phone. He answers and immediately understands how charming she is. I write down her phone number, tell her I can get her three but I will have to double check with my drivers. So we finally get back to the office and I call my drivers and they can't move it. So I call her back and ask what time she wants to load and she says no later than 3:00. So I post the load on the trucking system and after 20 minutes I get a call for one guy to move his one truck, not three...just the one. But I get him set up, I call Alberta and tell her that I've got a guy who will probably load around 1:30/2. I get the address for delivery and I get back to my guys. Well 2 is really 5, and I am out by 4:30. I also did not have my cell phone with me to forward my phones...so I was just crossing my fingers that I would get back to work with messages saying when they delivered.
Today I come in...and I have messages. The first one is a hang up...the second is my driver saying that it is now 5:30 their time and they are at the delivery point and they can't get in. They are being told they need a booking code. Now when I spoke to lovely Alberta, she told me they don't need anything, they are good to go, she was going to put them down for moving that load, and all they needed to do was get to the Port and everyone will tell them what to do and where to go from there. The pick up with get them all set with what they need and addresses to deliver. Well.....I have no idea what is going on now...because it is 6am their time now and no one is picking up their phones. I have no idea whether they were even able to deliver. And Alberta wanted me to pick up two more loads at 6:30....but she won't answer her phone. Unfortunately this company were the ones willing to pick up the other two loads...if they didn't get screwed with having to wait for pick up or delivery...which they did. So I am truck less and I don't know what this means.
I really don't want to get written up for her issue becuase she never provided any further information to give to my drivers and they didn't want to move. I also never promised to move the other two loads for the next day but she will probably hold that against me anyway. Sigh. I'm going to try to fix this major fuck up now.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Silence
Do you ever have so much going on in your head that you are desperate to get out but you know there isn't a single thing you could say that you won't regret later? Because you know you're just frustrated and you want to vent but you only half mean everything you're upset about and even if you do mean it, you don't want to really admit to it. Yeah...my life is kinda like that.
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