..they don't know my head is a mess....

So yesterday at work I had an anxiety attack. Unfortunately for me, because "i'm special" I had more concerns to worry about in this situation. Every time I breathed deeply it felt like I was going to have a seizure. Of course I called Carol, because she has several anxiety disorders she deals with, and she listed out for me all the reasons I had to be stressed...which didn't actually help. So to recap since I know no one else knows what is going on in my life:

When I came back from my surgery I was told I have 60 days to improve my revenue for the company by (a lot) or I no longer have a job. So I have been working my butt off on projects that are supposed to take off, but haven't yet.
Everyday that I come in I don't know what I am going to get. Some days I feel fairly secure that I will have a job at the end of September. Other days I don't know if they will even let me last out the 60 days. This is generally because while I am under pressure to make the company lots of money, everyone I work under is under pressure, which gets passed down person to person and usually lands on me in the form of mood swings. So while on Tuesday I am doing everything I am supposed to and I am doing it well and everything is good, on Wednesday everything I did on Tuesday was wrong and I am unable to do anything correctly.
Because my job is so up in the air I have no idea if I will have a job in October. Carol and I have mapped about at least four courses of action on what my future may look like in the next few months, none of which are secure. I have applied with job placement people and they are not returning my calls. I looked into working at one company but I cannot be guaranteed a job. I could also go back to Staunton and take a $10,000 + pay cut, or I could try to stay in Winchester. If I do stay at this job or get another job in northern virginia I will probably move back into my parent's home.
Carol moved out. Not in a scary we need some time apart, way, but in the Carol couldn't find a job anywhere but Staunton so that is why she is currently working, and staying while she works. So I come home to an empty house with cats that decidedly prefer Carol and actually avoid me when she is not around, unless its dinner time.

Basically all of my security has been pulled out from under me in less than a month and I still have medical bills covering the fridge, my parents asking when they are going to be repaid, and Carol needing money for gas and food while she is living down there. I am kind of in a bad position right now.

I asked for Friday off. I have been told...maybe....maybe if all of the business I have been working on since I got back still hasn't kicked off by today, then maybe I can have the day off. All I want to do is try to de-stress...but considering that everything in my life is up in the air, the only way that I can do that is by determining my future. I don't really want to stay here...but I also don't want to quit. I am actually hoping that they tell me they will be letting me go on October 2nd. That way I can get everything set up to get another job lined up and have movers set up and maybe even an apartment lined up if we can swing it. Generally I think I want to go back to Staunton to be with Carol.
Its interesting actually. The first day she was gone I thought we would be so much better at being apart the second time around because we are more secure in our relationship and less needy and clingy than we were the first time we had to be apart. Its actually the opposite. We have been together for so long now, everyday, we almost don't know how to be apart. Nothing quite feels right or safe being apart, especially knowing that it is going to continue this way for an indeterminate period of time. After Carol's first day of work she drove back to spend the night with me and left the following day to head back to work. We are going to spend all the money she is making just on gas to see each other.

We have no money saved and a lot of bills and expenses to pay....we can't just up and change our lives again right now. But I may not have a choice. I just feel frustrated, stressed, lost, and scared.

Bob the Blob

On the fourth of July I went to the emergency room. I now know what a level 10 pain is...my blood pressure dropped below 80 (as the large number), I was ghostly white, shaking, hyperventalating, and vomiting from the pain. We were very clear with the doctor that we believe it was a cyst on my ovary because every doctor I had previously seen said, "it sounds like a cyst, you'll be fine," handed me some pain medicine and sent me on my way. Luckily the doctor at Winchester Medical decided to confirm that diagnosis and sent me in for a CAT scan. After the second round of pain killers kicked in and the fourth episode of the Twilight Zone marathon the doctor came back in and told me that at least we know it wasn't all in my head. He proceeded to show me my CAT scan (which despite my requests I was unable to receive and post). I had a mass the size of a football in my abdomen. It had actually pushed my organs out of the way to make room for itself. He called in a specialist who agreed that I needed to have emergency surgery that day but that I had to be sent to UVA in case it was cancer.

I got sent to UVA in an ambulance and Carol followed me. My family arrived next day in time for the surgery which had been delayed. I was actually pretty surprised when I woke up that my parents, sister, and brother were there. Carol stayed the night in the hospital with me. Day after the surgery I was sent home.

The scar goes from just below my belly button to just above my pubic bone. I looked like my cats after they were fixed. I was given a 4 week recovery and have now returned to work.

But I have to say...best thing that could have happened. Carol and I got to spend a month at home together, there were a bunch of people coming to visit. Carol had a completely unawkward dinner alone with my parents while I was in the hospital and Carol and I went over to my sister's house for dinner one evening. We even got our old drinking buddy that we haven't seen since the wedding to come over last weekend.

Turns out they believe Bob the Blob was an infection in my fallopian tube that cause a bunch of fluid to form around it and cysts began to grow on the blob. Personally what I find to be the coolest/most disturbing part is they told me the blob had wrapped around my fallopian tube twice, so they had to remove it. Last winter I had a lump poking out of my abdomen a good inch above the rest of my stomach. I think that was the second time the blob wrapped around my fallopian tube. How cool is that? I think it is anyway.

Now Bob the Blob is gone. My cramps have all but disappeared. My period is much less painful. And I have a cool new scar. At least that is what I am going to keep telling myself. I am also going to stop showing it to people because even when they ask to see it they get a horrified and disgusted look on their face which makes me feel so good about myself.