"I just wanna sit in this storm with you."

So while I know I'm not a social person and I tend to be kind of a no-show, I am actually feeling like secluding myself more lately.

First of all I have decided that I am simply not meant for the world of cell phones. I generally dislike mine, despite my efforts to get a cool one. I just don't like to be reached. I long for the days when people just had answering machines at their homes, if you were lucky enough to have an answering machine, and if you didn't answer that meant you were out or busy. No one is allowed to be out or busy. You are allowed to be at work, and you are allowed to be asleep, but even asleep you should be sleeping with your phone near you in case of emergencies. I have recently started that habit only because my phone is my alarm clock (one of the only handy dandy features I actually use besides the phone book) and luckily I have yet to have anyone call me while I tried to sleep.
I even went so far as to get a home phone so that I wouldn't have to carry my cell around the house with me so I can hear it. Unfortunately I never made the effort to give out that number so we only have crap callers call that phone, or Carol when she's out of town. In general I don't like to answer my phone and only answer when Carol calls. Otherwise I just listen for voicemails, which since everyone is fairly aware that I never answer my phone, those phone calls are few and far between. Except for my family.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love spending time with them, but I almost never answer their calls. Generally the calls are FYI: you owe me money, don't forget so and so's birthday, are you coming to the (various events)?, and I hope you are alright, we miss you. Not all together bad calls..except for the owing money one. But its what happens when I actually show up for these events. It usually consists of an in person FYI about money, followed by a question of how we're doing financially. If Carol is there she gets questioned about whether she has found a job yet, and how classes are going. If she is not there, those questions are directed at me. How is working going? And here is the honest answer to all of these questions: we're falling on our faces. Life is kind of sucking. We are living in a daily ebb and flow of fighting, crying, and clinging which is emotionally draining as it has been going on for over a month now. We are exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, and generally depressed. But we're trying to make it through together.

And while there is something to be said for leaning on your friends and family when things get hard, its not really how we function. What we do is probably intensely unhealthy but its the only thing that works for us. We fall apart into each other and hold on tight. We wait for the answers to come. In fact leaning on other people is generally how we have gotten into every major fight in our history together. As you may have noticed Carol is an intensely private person and the mere thought of other people knowing that everything in our life is anything but perfect is extremely upsetting for her.

I don't know how long this separation from the digital/cellular world may last, but I'll be in Winchester until it all blows over...or somewhere else if we end up moving. But I still have my cell if I need to be reached and I will still check my online doo-hickeys. Of course, as usual, don't expect any speedy responses as time seems to be simultaneously speeding past and as slow as a snail...or those huge slugs I recently discovered by house....which helped me realize that slugs freak me out. Who knew.

Oh I don't know what you gonna do, with me,
Because everything I hid in my heart, I just set free,
And I don't wanna skate away- (don't think so anyway),
I just want to sit in this storm with you.
I just want to sit in this storm with you.

Well I've been runnin' runnin' runnin' to fast, for too long.
But you stop, stop me right in my tracks, 'cause I was wrong
Keepin my foot out the door, doesn't work for me anymore,
I just wanna sit in this storm with you.

And when it's pourin' for days, pourin' for nights,
Smearin' all the words alright.
I won't leave you babe, I am with you babe,
We have a deal, yes we do.
I'm gonna soak you up and let it all in, one day,
I'm gonna shoot down all of the stars, I wish away,
'Cause I can love you from the sunshine blue,
To the clouds greyer hue,
Just wanna to sit in this storm with you,
I just wanna to sit, in this storm, with you.
*Adrianne--Storm*